Things they don't tell you .......

It is that season of the year again when you step out of the house and see a pregnant woman. A friend of mine, who is herself in her third trimester, says she has the same experience these days. She sees Preggies everywhere as well and not just in the mirror or at the hospital. So I know it’s not my eyes. In my close acquaintance, there are two more women who are all set to deliver in a month or two. Come to think of it, last year this time, yours truly was very pregnant as well. Does this point towards an annual spurt ( no pun intended) in procreative activities around September-December ?

While everybody claims to know that a baby is a lot of work, there are many things they don’t tell you in prenatal classes and pregnancy guides. For instance, how many of you to-be-mothers know that motherhood gives you the unique opportunity of seeing all hours of the day and night? One-thirteen, Two forty-seven, Five Fifty-two, Three twenty four ( all AM, mind you) , you see all of them when your bundle of joy arrives. If you have an active toddler at home along with your newborn, like my friend Rakhee does, you’ll see the same hours in day time as well (PM, this time around). Roundabout the time I was beginning to stay awake at odd hours, my mom-in-law comforted me that this erratic non-routine will only last for three months until the baby acclimatizes with its environment. The thoughts racing in my head were “ Three months ?? As in three times thirty days??? As in three times thirty times twenty four times sixty times sixty seconds ??????????”. There is a lesson here as well, ladies. You may think you won’t be able to do it. But you will.

Lesson two. How many of you know that for a long time after the baby gets home you’ll be sleeping with a light on ? In the beginning it’s futile switching it off as the moment you do, the baby will start to cry and you’ll have to investigate. Can’t do that with lights off, can you? Aditi had a nasty habit of regurgitating through her nose after a feed. Not always , but often enough for me to get up panicking after a couple of winks to check on her. Now, even though she has gotten over that phase, there’s a zero watt bulb glowing peaceably in the dark while we sleep. Oh, by now we could sleep even if our bedroom were to be lit like a submarine.

Lesson three. How many of you have been told you’ll have no use for the undergarments you are using now and will have to shop for new ,BIGGER ones ? Ones that’ll look strange while you lie them out to dry on the clothesline in your bathroom. At a quick glance, you may mistake them to be your mom’s before realisation strikes that you’ve beaten your mom in dimensions. And, that ladies, is not such a pleasant realization. On a recent shopping expedition to buy a ‘healthy’ range of undergarments, I saw a Bridal Range of my favourite brand . Out of habit, I asked to see it. The sales girl almost snorted at me and said, “Not your size. The biggest here are one size smaller”. I walked away with my hammocks ( yeah, aditi could use them as hammocks) with all the dignity I could muster.

Lesson four. Most of you would know this. That there’s really no place for passion when there’s an infant sleeping next to you. If there is a sudden attack, you either postpone passion for a more opportune time ( like when the grandparents come visiting and want the little one with them day and night) or get on with it pronto. You may not have the time or opportunity to let passion run its entire course.

All the same, Lesson Five is that it is superfantabuloustic to have your baby around. Tiring, exhausting it may be. But like my sister-in-law says, it is an “unparalleled privilege”. To have to stay awake day in and day out, to have to wear tents and hammocks instead of normal underclothes, to sleep with a light beating in your eyes.

Ladies, I’m not being sarcastic. Lesson Five is what this blog is all about.

The Phenomenon of MPMK

We are eight cousins on my mother’s side. While we don't have any striking physical resemblances , there are some character traits so deeply ingrained that a trained psychologist could pick us out in a crowd. For instance, we all fancy ourselves to be above -average singers and are always to be found humming a tune under our breath. All of us have been up on stage in school, college, workplace or residential association meetings to sing [without ever being hooted off it, if I may add]. A more recent, more resilient bond that ties us is our uncompromising hatred for Shah Rukh Khan. We are the Order of Those that Loathe SRK, our revulsion for the man so deep that we look upon those who like him as being intellectually juvenile. Cousin Rara announced to her betrothed Rahul,’ You must promise to hate Shah Rukh Khan or else not marry me”. Those two went on to marry and while Rahul may not outrightly hate Shah Rukh, he will sure think twice before saying one nice thing about him.
But what strikes me as truly awe –inspiring is our bond via Mazha Peyunnu Maddalam Kottunnu (MPMK). MPMK is a Malayalam comedy flick directed by Priyadarshan and released sometime in the late eighties. Each of us would have seen this movie at least ten times. But if it were to play today on any vague malayalam channel, you can bet we’ll be tuned in. The lines from this movie are a part and parcel of our daily lives. Ask any one of us why we did what we did and you’ll most likely hear “Just for Horror” ( a la' Mohanlal in MPMK). Ask any of us how far it is from Point A to B, and you’ll hear , you guessed right, “Kilometres and kilometers”. Could we conceive of talking about faking accounts without borrowing from that famous lecture on cement manufacture and sale by Jagathy Sreekumar where he says “ In India , lot of cement there. ACC cement, Birla cement, Shankar cement, cement here there everywhere. This one farty rupees for one chaack cement is cheating”. And anyone who cooks up fake accounts can only be a “KALLAI”. What else ?
When my husband Hari ran into Priyadarshan in Chennai, he introduced himself as an MPMK junkie. Apparently, the creator of this masterpiece was fazed. No one had ever told him that MPMK was their favourite film. Beat that ?
At the time of writing this, I'm in Trivandrum enjoying a quiet, lazy day. The jingbang is on its way home. Cousin Baby, the IT whiz, is due to arrive in a couple of days from Bangalore with his architect-turned - homemaker wife Dhanya and their four year old daughter Mythili. Cousin Chechi ( that epithet ‘coz she is the oldest) who is a doctor, arrives from Vizag a week later with daughters Sreedu ,Jaanu and hubby MR Nair who is a Commander in the Indian navy. Next to come would be Rara and Rahul, also with the navy in Vizag. Rara's brother Miju who is Ph.D-ing in Canada and my brother Gopal , a doctor in Sharjah and his family would be sorely missed at our jamboree. Completing the quorum would be our youngest cousin Unni who just passed his 12th and his sister Karthika, an engineer with Infosys, Bangalore. After the initial hugs and hellos, how are you-s and my-job-sucks-does-yours, as soon we settle down on the worn out sofas in our parents’ homes and breathe in the once stifling, now relaxing Trivandrum air and start to unwind, the first sentence out of someone’s mouth will be “ You cannot stay another minute of the today in the house of my wife and daatter. GET OUTHOUSE”. If he is in any doubt of his prowess at comedy, Priyadarshan should come to one of our kudumbayogams.
Hail MPMK.
BTW, if you were in alien custody for this long or are Greek or German and hence unaware of the phenomenon of MPMK, I suggest you beg, borrow, steal (you could also buy) a DVD today and experience the best, undiluted Malayalam comedy ever…