Of SuperMoms and Child Prodigies

I am surrounded by super moms and child prodigies. Engulfed, deluged, swamped by them. Upper floor, same floor, next block, the next city, no matter where I go, I find them. I am beginning to wonder if the problem lies with me. Do I attract them ?

Sample these: These are SuperMoms on their offspring.
( for easier comprehension, this group will hereafter be referred to as SMOCP - Super Mom of Child Prodigy. PM stands for Poor Me)

SMOCP :: “My Ananya started talking when she was just eight months old. Does Aditi talk?”
(aditi is in her tenth month and all she does is make noises)
PM:: “ er…. well, she makes noises that sound like acha and amma”
SMOCP:: “ Only now? My Ananya could point out her father in a crowd and say Daddy when she was 9 months old”
( At this point, I stop contributing to the conversation)

SMOCP:: “ My Tarun could tell rhinos from hippos when he was nine months old
PM (in bug eyed wonder) :: “ Wow, he could vocalize that well at nine months ?”
SMOCP:: “No, silly. I meant he could point out rhinos and hippos in his animal book when he was that young. Can Aditi differentiate between animals ?”
( How can she when she tears any paper that comes within tearing distance. No animal book will last more than ten minutes in my babe’s hands)
PM:: “Emm… actually, no. Not yet. Isn't she too young to be learning from books? ”
SMOCP:: “ No way. My Tarun knew the alphabet by the time he was one.”
( A geek as been made)

SMOCP:: “Tanya is the class topper, you know. She has always topped her class wherever we’ve been posted”.
PM:: “That’s nice. Which class is she in now?”
SMOCP :: “LKG”
(!!!!????????? How many years did this girl spend in her LKG?)

SMOCP:: “Bala is a very balanced child. He takes everything in his stride. His teacher says it comes from good upbringing”
(Lady, I’ll have you know self praise stinks and so do you. Oh, if only I had the guts)

SMOCP:: “ As it is, Darshana used to be the first in class to finish maths tests. After she joined Abacus, she takes no time at all. She just whizzes in and out. “
( Ramanujan could have learned a few tricks from this one)

SMOCP:: “ You MUST watch Craig imitate Suresh Gopi. Come here Craigi. Do your Suresh Gopi act for this aunty”
At which Craigi obediently launches into “just remember that SHIT”, the hand gesture and all. At which his mother bursts into peals and peals of laughter and applause. At which point she realizes you are not ( as you are only recovering from your shock) and looks at you menacingly. At which you obligingly break into applause.

Now sample these : Super Moms on themselves.
( note: There’s an ongoing competition on whose delivery was the swiftest and the most painless)
( SM for SuperMom)

SM:: “ I just had a slight pain and went to the hospital only because it was nearby. The doc examined me and referred me to the labour room. Almost as soon as I went in, I had the baby. Took next to no time and wasn’t all that painful really”
( are you KIDDING me????)

SM:: “ My labour was so easy, I was in through one door and out through the other. And my baby was 4 kilos”.
( HELLO? No woman can deliver a 4 kilo baby JUST like that!)

Then there’s the baby birth weight , length and a whole gamut of other parameters to be compared. Who delivered the baby with THE ideal weight, THE ideal length and THE ideal head circumference.

Breastfeeding is a topic that whips as much fervour as labour.

SM ::“ Tommy was exclusively breast fed until he was one year old”
(O…k… But exclusively ? Until one year?)

SM:: “ I nursed Arya until she was four. That’s why she is so fair”
(FOUR????? And what is this mystery connection between breast milk and fairness?? )

The lot is energized when I let slip sadly that Aditi weaned herself off, without any effort from my side, in her ninth month.

SM:: ” Only for nine months. That’s nowhere near enough. Don’t you know breast milk enhances the child’s brain, eyesight and blahdiblahdiblahdiblah ?
( yeah right. complexion too)

Push presents are another hot favourite.
(Here the Super Girl talks about her Super Man. So the acronym is SGOSM for Super Girl on Super Man. PM remains)

SGOSM :: “ Giri took me to Switzerland three months after Yadu was born. He wanted to compensate me for the trauma I went through.? Did you guys getaway someplace?”.
PM:: “em…….”

SGOSM :: “ Amal brought a solitaire ring to the hospital. But I told him a diamond ring just does not compare with the pain I had to endure. What did Hari get you ?”
PM:: “ mmm… you know… I delivered a week before due date. He wasn’t really prepared”. ( I’m good at making pathetic excuses)

Strangely enough, a lot of these women are reasonable, humorous and thoughtful human beings. But on the topic of their offspring, they are maniacal in their attempts to prove their prodigiousness. This dichotomy puzzles me.

Thankfully, there are sane voices in this melee`. Women who admit they suffered post partum depression. Women who tell you to take it easy if your child wants to be weaned ahead of the prodigies. These are the women who listen while the other lot prattles away.

The real Super Moms.